Finally, a job after 5 months

After 5 months of Slacking and basically wasting my life away feeling sorry
for myself, I’ve finally gone and got myself a job. Yet, I’m finding it a
little difficult to be happy. What’s the reason? I’m starting to feel some
negative energy flowing through me again–thoughts like ‘I can’t do it,’
‘You’re not good enough,’ and a lot of other ‘what ifs’.

I should be happy that I’m finally working in a company that I’ve always want
to–a position of Visual Effects compositor, leading a team. I should be
happy, but there’s this nagging thought that I might not be capable enough.

I can DO IT!

That’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself. It’s 4 in the morning, I’m
feeling fearful of my third Boss, who I’ve heard has a short fuse. Even though
I know him well enough, I think I have to remain calm and tell myself that
it’s nothing that I can’t handle.

“I’m good enough for the job, I am calm like the sea, I’m in control of my
feelings and I’m polite and choose not to flare up at anyone”

New job, new life

Never something easy when you’re starting a new job. You never know whether you’re going to be happy, whether you’re going to have trouble with your new colleagues, if your new Boss is going to hate your guts. It’s been 4-5 years since I last worked for an employer, today is the very first day.

How was it? Not too shabby, however, I find myself jealous of the attention an ex-colleague was getting–Pitiful–I know. It’s 3 in the morning and I’m tossing and turning, bothered by the fact that I’m never going to be anything good. Then it hits me: I care too much about what others think about me.

Sure, we should all have a healthy interest in what people say about us, take it with a pinch of salt and it makes living a lot easier. That’s not mentioning that my ex-colleague is someone who always like to pour ice-cold water down your back when ever you’ve achieved something of importance–truly self-centered.

It took me 6 years to realise that. It might not be too late, but I should take control of my head and emotions and just do my best in my new job–end of story.